I
can't resolve if feeling too much is a gift or a curse...
On
one hand it's the most amazing feeling when I can connect with the
whole world. I feel and see everything as in a beautiful colorful
fairytale. When I am happy nothing can stops me, I am in love with my
heart, brain and soul in every moment of my life. It feels like my
life is a movie and I am the luckiest person on Earth. The happiness
is everywhere : the wind in my hair, the air on my skin, the smell of
trees and flowers, beauty of the city, perfect faces on each corner
of the streets, hearing songs that I love playing no matter where I
go, people smiling at me, seeing good signs on my way, incredible
meetings and fortunate things happen to me... I sense the universe
with each molecule of my body. When I am in this luminous state of
mind I am such an easy going person, sweet and tender, loving
and open, wild and crazy, capable of anything, willing to explore
everything. And I want to share all that I feel and see with others
because it's pure magic.
But
when the darkness takes over me, nothing can help... I feel nothing,
I want nothing, the emptiness is so big the only thing can ease the
pain is the sleep. I become a little grey mouse tired of her
many lives, I loose all the light and want to hide from the whole
world. I
reject people I love just to hurt myself even more and refuse to see
anyone. The idea of the beauty in life seems crazy. I see humans as
sad and hopeless creatures that ruin this world, and I don't want to
be a part of this plan. The pain is real and sometimes physical, and
the worst part is that I can also feel the pain of other people. I
cry all the time and self destruction is my only friend. The future
doesn't exist and there is no meaning in life when I'm on "the
bad side of the road". I never know when it's coming and don't
understand why. As if my soul is leaving my body and I become dead inside.
This
duality is hard to live with and it hurts like hell but I have to learn how to deal with the dark one. Because I believe that there
is a reason why some of us feel this way, feel too much.
Darkness
can be beautiful and sometimes can help to create unique things but I
need to figure out how to embrace it...
Oh I found myself so much in what you wrote! I'm actually in a very dark place right now, I feel depressed and I cannot work on my photography projects or anything. It's like happiness and peaceful soul have been sucked away from me, drowned.
ReplyDeleteI admire a lot your work, as a photographer I have hard to do all the projects I have in mind and be enough confident to carry them out. I feel so much loose sometimes, like I'm not brave enough to go out of my comfort zone (I'm shy and not very self-confident so lead people in photography shootings can be hard for me). And you seem to be doing pretty good in that way ! Continue what you do, you're extremly talented and sensitive, I like your approach of things and life.
Thank you, maybe we'll meet some day !
Have a beautiful and nice day.
dear Ambre,
Deletethank you so much for your kind words, I'm deeply touched !!!
feel free to add me on Facebook or write me an e-mail, maybe I could help you with few things ;)
and don't forget it's just a dark phase, eventually it will go away ! use it to create something (maybe other then photography).
many hugs <3