Wednesday, January 4, 2017

duality of my being

I can't resolve if feeling too much is a gift or a curse...
On one hand it's the most amazing feeling when I can connect with the whole world. I feel and see everything as in a beautiful colorful fairytale. When I am happy nothing can stops me, I am in love with my heart, brain and soul in every moment of my life. It feels like my life is a movie and I am the luckiest person on Earth. The happiness is everywhere : the wind in my hair, the air on my skin, the smell of trees and flowers, beauty of the city, perfect faces on each corner of the streets, hearing songs that I love playing no matter where I go, people smiling at me, seeing good signs on my way, incredible meetings and fortunate things happen to me... I sense the universe with each molecule of my body. When I am in this luminous state of mind I am such an easy going person, sweet and tender, loving and open, wild and crazy, capable of anything, willing to explore everything. And I want to share all that I feel and see with others because it's pure magic.

But when the darkness takes over me, nothing can help... I feel nothing, I want nothing, the emptiness is so big the only thing can ease the pain is the sleep. I become a little grey mouse tired of her many lives, I loose all the light and want to hide from the whole world. I reject people I love just to hurt myself even more and refuse to see anyone. The idea of the beauty in life seems crazy. I see humans as sad and hopeless creatures that ruin this world, and I don't want to be a part of this plan. The pain is real and sometimes physical, and the worst part is that I can also feel the pain of other people. I cry all the time and self destruction is my only friend. The future doesn't exist and there is no meaning in life when I'm on "the bad side of the road". I never know when it's coming and don't understand why. As if my soul is leaving my body and I become dead inside. 

This duality is hard to live with and it hurts like hell but I have to learn how to deal with the dark one. Because I believe that there is a reason why some of us feel this way, feel too much.
Darkness can be beautiful and sometimes can help to create unique things but I need to figure out how to embrace it...


  1. Oh I found myself so much in what you wrote! I'm actually in a very dark place right now, I feel depressed and I cannot work on my photography projects or anything. It's like happiness and peaceful soul have been sucked away from me, drowned.

    I admire a lot your work, as a photographer I have hard to do all the projects I have in mind and be enough confident to carry them out. I feel so much loose sometimes, like I'm not brave enough to go out of my comfort zone (I'm shy and not very self-confident so lead people in photography shootings can be hard for me). And you seem to be doing pretty good in that way ! Continue what you do, you're extremly talented and sensitive, I like your approach of things and life.

    Thank you, maybe we'll meet some day !

    Have a beautiful and nice day.

    1. dear Ambre,
      thank you so much for your kind words, I'm deeply touched !!!
      feel free to add me on Facebook or write me an e-mail, maybe I could help you with few things ;)
      and don't forget it's just a dark phase, eventually it will go away ! use it to create something (maybe other then photography).

      many hugs <3