Lately
(I mean since I can remember
myself) I couldn't stop
thinking why I spend almost all my life as a single person, what is
wrong with me and why I have that weird pattern of falling in love
with unavailable people or why do I attract damaged boys. It's been
many years since my latest and only one serious relationship, that
last for almost 5 years, and since then it's been an
emotional disaster. Drug addicts, manipulators, already in
a relationship, unavailable emotionally, don't know what
they want, lost, those who were coming back when it was too late
(sometimes it all was the one and same person, I swear !)...
But for
the last few months I'm enjoying, for the first time since forever,
being single, I mean for real !!! I don't want to be with someone
just for being not alone, I'm not searching for anyone, I'm building
myself, trying to love myself (which is hard) and cherish what I have
: my life, my family, my friends, my private moments ; it is all so
new for me, I feel like I'm discovering a new world, my world...
And
on the other side I have a lot of my friends, who are unhappy in
couple or just broke up or not knowing how to end their painful
relationship. It is such a struggle. I would love so much to help
everyone because now I know that life is such a magic thing and if we
loose all our energy and light on bad relations we will never create
something meaningful and won't be able to build ourselves.
Of
course the moment I felt the best in my skin I met someone :
unavailable again. And I felt that I still have that weird unresolved
thing of being attracted to what is bad for me. And I felt again the
weight of being unhappy and waiting for a miracle... Asking what is
the matter with me ? Why I spend all my teenage years alone and
except for my only one good couple experience I kept on harming
myself through my partners. So I was going on and on... Eating myself
from inside, driving crazy my parents and friends with depressing
conversations of "why oh why ?"... And just when I was on
the edge of falling into my melancholic state of mind I got a message
from my teenage sister in which she was saying that her boyfriend
just broke up with her without explanation !
I
was shocked to the core...
The
thing is I never thought that something was wrong with people I felt
for, I mean they were not good for me but it was me who was choosing
to try the relationship knowing since the beginning it
would fail, and although I perfectly understand that sometimes people
who are not good for us might be just perfect for someone else. The
real problem is always inside of us, not in others. I kept on
doing it to myself blindly, choosing wrong and hoping for the best.
It might come from my childhood and my teenage years where I was so
unhappy and depressed, the sadness stuck with me. I thought that
the problem was the leftovers of my darkness that men could feel and
the good ones were repulsed by it whereas the bad ones were attracted
to it. It was my theory that I was believing in for years.
Except
that my little sister is the purest sunshine, was the happiest child
I knew and now blooming teenager surrounded by
many friends, having great relationship with family, beautiful,
very smart and good in studies, gifted, talented, sporty, funny,
quirky, etc etc. So practically the opposite of
what I was at her age. So how come ? Everything went perfectly well
with her and her boyfriend since the beginning ! My theory was wrong.
As
much as I was sad for her and willing to kill the boy with my bare
hands I started to think...
There
are no rules, everything can go perfectly well until it doesn't !
Nothing is wrong with her or with me, those are just the experiences,
lessons for us to learn and become better people. We might be
all damaged in life but still have a marvelous
relationships.
I
am grateful to my failures with my ex-boyfriends because now I know
when to run from a guy immediately without any second thought and
when to stop because something is feeling wrong.
The
right person exist for each one of us, waiting, probably also
struggling, so we shouldn't betray this person by staying with a
wrong one.
Loving
our life as it is and living every day with open mind might be all we
have at the moment but it's all we need to meet our soulmate. Love is
good and simple, without regular fights, hate, jealousy etc, it's not
hard nor painful. Love makes us grow every day.
Start with the love for yourself and the rest will come as easily as breathing.
my little sister and me
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