Saturday, December 3, 2016

poisonous relationships

Lately (I mean since I can remember myself) I couldn't stop thinking why I spend almost all my life as a single person, what is wrong with me and why I have that weird pattern of falling in love with unavailable people or why do I attract damaged boys. It's been many years since my latest and only one serious relationship, that last for almost 5 years, and since then it's been an emotional disaster. Drug addicts, manipulators, already in a relationship, unavailable emotionally, don't know what they want, lost, those who were coming back when it was too late (sometimes it all was the one and same person, I swear !)... 
But for the last few months I'm enjoying, for the first time since forever, being single, I mean for real !!! I don't want to be with someone just for being not alone, I'm not searching for anyone, I'm building myself, trying to love myself (which is hard) and cherish what I have : my life, my family, my friends, my private moments ; it is all so new for me, I feel like I'm discovering a new world, my world...
And on the other side I have a lot of my friends, who are unhappy in couple or just broke up or not knowing how to end their painful relationship. It is such a struggle. I would love so much to help everyone because now I know that life is such a magic thing and if we loose all our energy and light on bad relations we will never create something meaningful and won't be able to build ourselves.

Of course the moment I felt the best in my skin I met someone : unavailable again. And I felt that I still have that weird unresolved thing of being attracted to what is bad for me. And I felt again the weight of being unhappy and waiting for a miracle... Asking what is the matter with me ? Why I spend all my teenage years alone and except for my only one good couple experience I kept on harming myself through my partners. So I was going on and on... Eating myself from inside, driving crazy my parents and friends with depressing conversations of "why oh why ?"... And just when I was on the edge of falling into my melancholic state of mind I got a message from my teenage sister in which she was saying that her boyfriend just broke up with her without explanation ! 
I was shocked to the core...
The thing is I never thought that something was wrong with people I felt for, I mean they were not good for me but it was me who was choosing to try the relationship knowing since the beginning it would fail, and although I perfectly understand that sometimes people who are not good for us might be just perfect for someone else. The real problem is always inside of us, not in others. I kept on doing it to myself blindly, choosing wrong and hoping for the best. It might come from my childhood and my teenage years where I was so unhappy and depressed, the sadness stuck with me. I thought that the problem was the leftovers of my darkness that men could feel and the good ones were repulsed by it whereas the bad ones were attracted to it. It was my theory that I was believing in for years.
Except that my little sister is the purest sunshine, was the happiest child I knew and now blooming teenager surrounded by many friends, having great relationship with family, beautiful, very smart and good in studies, gifted, talented, sporty, funny, quirky, etc etc. So practically the opposite of what I was at her age. So how come ? Everything went perfectly well with her and her boyfriend since the beginning ! My theory was wrong.
As much as I was sad for her and willing to kill the boy with my bare hands I started to think... 
There are no rules, everything can go perfectly well until it doesn't ! Nothing is wrong with her or with me, those are just the experiences, lessons for us to learn and become better people. We might be all damaged in life but still have a marvelous relationships. 

One important thing I understood thanks to all my ruminating moods and thanks to my little sister : we should all RUN RUN RUN from the poisonous relationships and people : block them, never see them, hide from them until we are healed... I don't understand why we are attracted to the complications or why we reject those who like us, or why some play with our feelings but I know it doesn't worth it. Our life is too precious to spend it in sorrow. We should cry until falling asleep, drink, stay out until the sun wakes up, party with friends, talk to our confidents and relatives in order to eject the poisonous feelings from our blood system, those emotions are bad drugs. Then forget, turn the page and go on ! We loose too much energy on trying to understand why and too much time trying to repair what is broken and can't be repaired.

I am grateful to my failures with my ex-boyfriends because now I know when to run from a guy immediately without any second thought and when to stop because something is feeling wrong.
The right person exist for each one of us, waiting, probably also struggling, so we shouldn't betray this person by staying with a wrong one. 

Loving our life as it is and living every day with open mind might be all we have at the moment but it's all we need to meet our soulmate. Love is good and simple, without regular fights, hate, jealousy etc, it's not hard nor painful. Love makes us grow every day.

Start with the love for yourself and the rest will come as easily as breathing. 
my little sister and me

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