yesterday it was my father's wedding.
I was born when he was 19 years old, I can't even imagine how hard it must be, being so young and have the responsibility to handle a little kid being a kid yourself...
we never had conventional father-daughter relationship, he was more of a friend to me then a parent. but there always was that special and unique bond between us, and I always was and will be a father's daughter.
we are very different and sometimes we don't understand each other, I might be too complicated for him and he is too down to earth for me. but the thing is I love him unconditionally regardless our misunderstandings, his flaws don't bother me as much as I make him think and we respect and support each other a lot trying to be as fair as possible. even if his life was not always easy and regardless some traumatizing experiences he always was a positive and joyful person. as long as I remember we always laughed a lot together, enjoying each other's company, doing silly stuff and conspiring behind everybody's back, we were united and very close.
except about 12 years ago, the moment we needed each other the most we weren't there for one another. I think it was the worst period of our life and I just couldn't be here for him and vise versa. I kept on making the same awful nightmare about my father bleeding and dying in my arms for many years after that, the guilt was eating me from inside. he was completely heartbroken, lost, miserable and alone and I wasn't there for him because I couldn't see my father like that and because I was also completely depressed and brokenhearted.
the thing I didn't know was that someone else started taking care of him.
when I came to visit him one winter I remember his first sentence about her : "you know there is that girl... she is writing me poems..." I was surprised and didn't know how to react but was willing to meet her immediately. I remember so clearly this very first moment we saw each other, she was so shy, just a few years older then me but already with a little girl of 3 years old, both brokenhearted also... I guess they were ment to meet and heal each other.
for many years after that I couldn't find my place, my parents rebuilt new families and I wasn't a part of it anymore, I was somewhere in-between, not quite a child anymore but feeling like one that was abandoned... the problem wasn't them of course but me, they managed their problems but I didn't, and no one could help me... but back then I couldn't understand that it wasn't them who were rejecting me but myself. I cut myself for a few years from the both sides of my family, I think I needed that, to heal on my turn, to understand some things. whereas they continued their way waiting for me to get back home. and eventually I did.
so yesterday I was holding my tears (of joy and relief) hiding behind my camera, looking at them, when a thought strike me : "why am I again apart with my camera, not making a part of the real world and putting myself aside all by myself ?", and almost at the same second my two little sisters as by a miracle joined me with their phones also filming and taking pictures, looking at me with their shiny cute smiles. I wasn't "apart" or "alone" anymore, I had my own personal perfect place. so we stood up like that during the whole ceremony looking at our parents get married : my father was joking and making laugh everybody as usual, Tatiana holding her tears, glancing at me each few seconds and laughing on my dad's behavior. everyone took the place he belongs to, I think no one of us were ever this happy before. we all found each other.
of course the paper proof itself doesn't matter, we knew who we were to each other from the beginning, but we took it more as a celebration for us being united just a tiny bit more.