back to the far away place

I feel like I'm on the edge of something really important, and it's not only because I moved to live in London and probably not because of that weird coincidence : I lived as many years in France as I did in Russia ! I will write about all of it later. But most certainly because tomorrow I'm flying back to Siberia, my homeland, that I haven't been to for 10 years. I think it's very symbolic and meaningful as if it was the real end of an era.

The last time I went to Irkutsk I was a completely lost girl and had no idea what to do with my life, I had only few friends and wasn't a professional photographer back then, the meaning of life was blurry. Many things had changed. I grew up and met so many truly amazing people on my way, who helped me to find and see who I was. I couldn't even imagine that in only one lifetime it was possible to have so many close friends and live so many different lives. I know that the souls, that one way or another had crossed my path or will come to me in the future, and all the experiences I had and will have, will always be a part of me and will help me to evolve.

A little voice inside of my head is telling me to write, to write about how grateful I am for my destiny. I never loved my life as much as I do now, even the darkest parts of my being, I learned how to love it, well I still have to figure out so many things but still...

I know that when I will be back from Irkutsk I will not be the same, it's hard to come back to the past lives and I also know it is going to be painful for many reasons but it will also be the next chapter of my life, I can feel it in my bones. I have to say good-bye to my past and that little, always broken hearted, girl I used to be...

I took this pictures during one of my last come-backs to Siberia

disillusions

It's only that much I can handle...

I have always loved humans, I have always believed that they are good, I have always felt like each meeting is some sort of magic. But lately I don't understand what the fuck is wrong with people and I don't know if I can still believe in all I used to believe in.
These past few years I was so disappointed I feel like I've reached a point of non return : whether I will achieve some higher level of comprehension or I will burst in million pieces.

I'm not speaking about all the violence and despair in the world, because it's the whole other subject ; but it's more on the every day basis, the things that became kind of "normal". It's what I see constantly, repeating over and over again, in my life of course but I'm pretty sure in any other person's life, too :

Boys who seduce knowing that they are not available emotionally but still they play with you. Guys who have girlfriends but flirt until you believe that maybe there is something more and when they feel you are in their pocket they explain they can't leave their girlfriends. Men who showing a lot of affection towards you spending a lot of time with you, hugging, kissing on the cheeks, taking your hand, saying how amazing you are while their wives are waiting for them at home. It might sound like a bomb but from the moment where feelings are involved and there is a constant eye contact, touching, talking, meeting etc... every girl secretly hopes the guy will leave his wife/girlfriend and be with her, or get the therapy and treat his emotional unavailability for that matter. 
I wonder what their mirrors are saying back to them ? "Oh you are wonderful, you got her, she felt for you, you are the best, you still are in a good shape..." 
It's like you using my light and strength just for your benefit, but I stay with broken heart and empty, and even if it will heal later the scars will remain forever.

Women who are ready to betray your friendship for men, money or their career. Girlfriends who cut you from their life because of a misunderstanding or because they feel like they want to get a space from you. Friends who think it is normal to use you for your skills, even those with whom you've been friends for years, they feel it's alright if they use you and if you say no they are done with you and you became the enemy. Women who trying to break you down only to show they are better than you.

Aren't we suppose to support each other ? Wouldn't it be better if there was as some sort of a silent treatment between us and we would be the great allies ?

I feel like I'm drowning in the deep dark lake of broken illusions. I try to see the best in people and in situations but even for me sometimes it's just too much. I loose the hope and all I want now is being far away from this world, being a hermit living in rainy forest with wild animals all around.

I know I will have my spirit back but for the moment I feel the hole in my chest growing wider and the tears won't make the pain go away as before.

Why can't we be good and kind to one another ? We are not meant to live as loners (even though right know I understand why some people do), we are stronger together, if we support each other and cherish our relationships it will always make us grow and blossom...

A friend of mine told me that I take everything too personally, that I should just take what I want when I want it and if it doesn't work to turn the page, I wish it could be that simple ! The problem is I always think that there is my part of responsibility and if I got something in my life it means that somehow I deserve it, but maybe I got a wrong picture... Maybe some people are just bad (or at least bad for me), and it's not any of my fault.

mom

can you love when you have never been loved ? can you take care of someone when noone took care of you ?

our relationship was meant to be doomed in so many ways, we spend many years fighting, then it's been two years of cold war we weren't talking or seeing each other at all. we just couldn't manage to understand one another but it is only because we are pretty much the same, sometimes desperately the same. I wanted things from her she couldn't give me and she wanted me to be someone else. we weren't mother and daughter but friends, which all my friends found so cool but for us it was toxic. 

I don't know how but we managed to find a way to reverse this weird tendency of bad relationships we had in our dysfunctional families and it's been few years of "I am a family person now", where everybody is at their places. my mom is my mom now and I am her lost little girl who always needs an advice and an encouragement, she is always here for me, and I feel the ties I couldn't feel for so many years. the only thing that makes me sad it's all those years we have lost having bad feelings, but hey I guess we needed these to figure things out. 

of course sometimes she still pisses me off and I know I drive her crazy by doing the same mistakes over and over again and then complaining for hours on the phone, "I told you so" and "what is wrong with me" are repeated constantly, but it's kind of romantic and it feels right. mostly we are apart from each other and we spent only few days per year together and sometimes I feel so lonely and desperate, but I know she is here, I just have to press "call mom" and pour my heart out.

we are not our parents and our parents are not us, if you haven't had a perfect childhood it does't mean you can't be a good person and parent. yes we drag the old phantoms of our relatives and then we are transmitting them to our offsprings but we are not cursed, we can change things. it doesn't have to be complicated, it's our choice. I also believe that sometimes we are stronger and wiser than our parents and if we change and evolve they feel it and as by magic they adjust themselves at your level. and having a strong family bond is a gift not everybody can have, because once they are gone there is nothing you can do, it's all over, you can only regretting them.

I love you mom, thank you for everything you are, happy birthday !

Loreine

This angelic look is one of her sides but actually this girl is a real badass ! Authentic is one of the qualities I love the most about people, and she is like that, if something is wrong she will let you know but also if she likes you it's genuine and there is zero hypocrisy. She has a strong character and commitment to everything she does, the kind of ally you would like to have if the end of the world is coming, she will do everything what is in her power to save the planet, you and herself.

The thing that bugs me is the fact that people almost never see the fragility that strong girls are also having inside of them, they just think "oh she is strong, she will handle it", yes of course we will, but sometimes we want to have the shoulder to cry on when we are feeling weak.

haunted places

models : Charity Thomas, Elodie Besse, Pascaline Labbarère 

sisters

I was born as unique child and I've always felt the emptiness as if someone had to be there but never was...
When I was a teenager I had my first sister and few years later another one. I won't lie, I felt weird about these new family members, they were as much aliens to me as me to them. I came visited my father and always ignored my sisters because I had no idea what I could do with them. The only thing that helped me to communicate with was photography. Otherwise I was just looking on them furtively, seeing their tender relationship towards each other and being jalouse of it.
How many times I went in their house with the only envy to take them into my arms and kiss them. I never could. I cried every time in the train leaving, when it was too late to hug them. I just couldn't and I still don't know why. In general I'm not very tactile person (only few exceptions) it's not by choice because I'm very sensitive so I need the human connection, but by the stupidest habit in order to protect myself so I won't get hurt.
And then, few years ago, a weird thing happened, my sisters slowly started to invade my personal space, but very smartly, step by step, calling me to swim together in the pool, chilling with me in the hammock, then touching my arms (the secret zone) and lying with me in front of the TV, etc etc. It was weird at first and then I felt the emotions I never felt before. The next step was comforting me in original ways, because they felt that saying normal compliments won't work, so they found amazingly strange and interesting ways to communicate their feelings to me. For exemple my smallest sister calls me every morning to wake me up because she knows how hard it is for me to open my eyes and confront another day. The other one is ready to do anything for my pictures, I mean for real, she bled and freezed for the shootings ! And already woke up in 6 in the morning for the jogging with me.
And I have to say that my confidence in myself grew up thanks to them ! Even if when I'm with them I never wear the makeup and I look like a hobo they still think I'm beautiful (and it's not out of pity, I promise). These two small girls teach me so much. Now I feel like they are closer to me then anyone has ever been. Last time I spend the holidays with them I felt a bit down because of a heart situation and instead of staying depressed by myself (what I used to always do) I asked them to take a walk with me before bed, and they made me laugh so much the three of us were in physical pain. And they didn't said something basic like "don't worry you are cool and pretty" they told me "you are the unique, original, talented and fresh and you are not just a pear or apple, you are a demon fruit" (pretty sure she ment dragon fruit but this way it's even funnier and it became our private joke).
Our parents have no idea how crazy, insane, silly and happy we are when we are together just the three of us...

The distance between us hurts me sometimes but more over all I know they are here, always, and that we have so many things we will share in the future. All the love they give me (I repeat not me to them but they to me) makes me feel stronger and it's growing up every day. Sometimes I still feel like I want to screw everything up but I also feel that I can't do this to them, which is the best thing that ever happened to me, to feel loved so much that I won't be able to hurt myself.

Laura

She is the kind of girl I easily fall in love with. Rock'n'roll, cool, funny, crazy, rebel, intelligent, sensual, mysterious, talented and so on... From the moment I met her I had a crush on her, we became friends pretty fast. We had a lot of meaningful conversations and I saw different sides of her. It's amazing how the most joyful people can be also sad and vulnerable, but this is the kind of duality I love about human beings. Complex personalities are the most fascinating if you ask me.
Our last wish was leaving everything and hit the road of USA together, who knows maybe one day we will...

MUA : Daria