sisters

I was born as unique child and I've always felt the emptiness as if someone had to be there but never was...
When I was a teenager I had my first sister and few years later another one. I won't lie, I felt weird about these new family members, they were as much aliens to me as me to them. I came visited my father and always ignored my sisters because I had no idea what I could do with them. The only thing that helped me to communicate with was photography. Otherwise I was just looking on them furtively, seeing their tender relationship towards each other and being jalouse of it.
How many times I went in their house with the only envy to take them into my arms and kiss them. I never could. I cried every time in the train leaving, when it was too late to hug them. I just couldn't and I still don't know why. In general I'm not very tactile person (only few exceptions) it's not by choice because I'm very sensitive so I need the human connection, but by the stupidest habit in order to protect myself so I won't get hurt.
And then, few years ago, a weird thing happened, my sisters slowly started to invade my personal space, but very smartly, step by step, calling me to swim together in the pool, chilling with me in the hammock, then touching my arms (the secret zone) and lying with me in front of the TV, etc etc. It was weird at first and then I felt the emotions I never felt before. The next step was comforting me in original ways, because they felt that saying normal compliments won't work, so they found amazingly strange and interesting ways to communicate their feelings to me. For exemple my smallest sister calls me every morning to wake me up because she knows how hard it is for me to open my eyes and confront another day. The other one is ready to do anything for my pictures, I mean for real, she bled and freezed for the shootings ! And already woke up in 6 in the morning for the jogging with me.
And I have to say that my confidence in myself grew up thanks to them ! Even if when I'm with them I never wear the makeup and I look like a hobo they still think I'm beautiful (and it's not out of pity, I promise). These two small girls teach me so much. Now I feel like they are closer to me then anyone has ever been. Last time I spend the holidays with them I felt a bit down because of a heart situation and instead of staying depressed by myself (what I used to always do) I asked them to take a walk with me before bed, and they made me laugh so much the three of us were in physical pain. And they didn't said something basic like "don't worry you are cool and pretty" they told me "you are the unique, original, talented and fresh and you are not just a pear or apple, you are a demon fruit" (pretty sure she ment dragon fruit but this way it's even funnier and it became our private joke).
Our parents have no idea how crazy, insane, silly and happy we are when we are together just the three of us...

The distance between us hurts me sometimes but more over all I know they are here, always, and that we have so many things we will share in the future. All the love they give me (I repeat not me to them but they to me) makes me feel stronger and it's growing up every day. Sometimes I still feel like I want to screw everything up but I also feel that I can't do this to them, which is the best thing that ever happened to me, to feel loved so much that I won't be able to hurt myself.

my dad's wedding

yesterday it was my father's wedding.

I was born when he was 19 years old, I can't even imagine how hard it must be, being so young and have the responsibility to handle a little kid being a kid yourself... 

we never had conventional father-daughter relationship, he was more of a friend to me then a parent. but there always was that special and unique bond between us, and I always was and will be a father's daughter. 

we are very different and sometimes we don't understand each other, I might be too complicated for him and he is too down to earth for me. but the thing is I love him unconditionally regardless our misunderstandings, his flaws don't bother me as much as I make him think and we respect and support each other a lot trying to be as fair as possible. even if his life was not always easy and regardless some traumatizing experiences he always was a positive and joyful person. as long as I remember we always laughed a lot together, enjoying each other's company, doing silly stuff and conspiring behind everybody's back, we were united and very close.

except about 12 years ago, the moment we needed each other the most we weren't there for one another. I think it was the worst period of our life and I just couldn't be here for him and vise versa. I kept on making the same awful nightmare about my father bleeding and dying in my arms for many years after that, the guilt was eating me from inside. he was completely heartbroken, lost, miserable and alone and I wasn't there for him because I couldn't see my father like that and because I was also completely depressed and brokenhearted.

the thing I didn't know was that someone else started taking care of him.

when I came to visit him one winter I remember his first sentence about her : "you know there is that girl... she is writing me poems..." I was surprised and didn't know how to react but was willing to meet her immediately. I remember so clearly this very first moment we saw each other, she was so shy, just a few years older then me but already with a little girl of 3 years old, both brokenhearted also... I guess they were ment to meet and heal each other. 

for many years after that I couldn't find my place, my parents rebuilt new families and I wasn't a part of it anymore, I was somewhere in-between, not quite a child anymore but feeling like one that was abandoned... the problem wasn't them of course but me, they managed their problems but I didn't, and no one could help me... but back then I couldn't understand that it wasn't them who were rejecting me but myself. I cut myself for a few years from the both sides of my family, I think I needed that, to heal on my turn, to understand some things. whereas they continued their way waiting for me to get back home. and eventually I did.

so yesterday I was holding my tears (of joy and relief) hiding behind my camera, looking at them, when a thought strike me : "why am I again apart with my camera, not making a part of the real world and putting myself aside all by myself ?", and almost at the same second my two little sisters as by a miracle joined me with their phones also filming and taking pictures, looking at me with their shiny cute smiles. I wasn't "apart" or "alone" anymore, I had my own personal perfect place. so we stood up like that during the whole ceremony looking at our parents get married : my father was joking and making laugh everybody as usual, Tatiana holding her tears, glancing at me each few seconds and laughing on my dad's behavior. everyone took the place he belongs to, I think no one of us were ever this happy before. we all found each other.

of course the paper proof itself doesn't matter, we knew who we were to each other from the beginning, but we took it more as a celebration for us being united just a tiny bit more.

Maëlle Venin

everything happens for a reason...

about a year and a half ago I had a difficult time recovering from a very painful but necessary break-up. I had no idea what to do with my life, where to go, where to live, I was such a mess... 

the only moments when I felt alive was the time I was surrounded by my friends and their friends. that's when I met Clémence Thooris, a gorgeous actress with cat eyes. we spend few months hanging out all together then everybody disappeared, as if by magic, following their roads. 

about a year after, out of nowhere, Clémence wrote me down asking to take some pictures of her, because apparently her agent was never satisfied with her photos. I got scared imagining this terrifying agent never happy with anything but said "yes" anyway. we spend a very cool afternoon with Clem taking pictures talking about past months of our lives (the fool shooting is here). 

when I was sending her the pictures I was under a lot of pressure, waiting for the answer... 

and then I've got THE call :

"Hey, I'm Maëlle, Clémence Thooris' agent. I loved your pictures ! Can you photograph my other actors from the agency ?" - asked a girlish sweet voice. I was shocked. mostly because it was my dream job - working with actors, but also because this agent seemed to be a lovely fairy. 

after our conversation we spend few weeks speaking regularly on a phone, or by text messages, I took pictures of several actors from her agency - Venin, we became pretty close without seeing each other. 

and then finally we've met ! so the big scary agent happens to be this teeny tiny graceful brunette filled with charm and kindness. people like her are very rare : strong, willing to help lost souls around her in whom she believes, knows exactly what she wants and where she goes, can manage several things at the same time, very professional, genuine, smart, intuitive, sensitive, funny... but at the same time there is this very fragile side of her, very precious and delicate that I'm crazy about.

her actors love her very much and she takes good care of them. and, in some way, she also took me under her wing, giving me some precious advices and helping me to build the confidence in myself.

I feel like I know her for ages, from our previous lives maybe (if there is...), even though it's been only for 8 months top, there is the deep connection full of light between us. I hope our friendship will grow on beautiful and strong and all our projects will be realized together side by side.

of course from the first sigh I saw her I wanted to take pictures of her, but she was very reluctant to this idea, so I tricked her ! presenting the photo-session as a gift for her birthday and shooting her daughter at the same time. it must have been just a try, because I've never did a real mother-daughter shooting before, but I like the result very much and hope we will do it again some time soon ;)

 motherhood

models : Maëlle & Satine

soul twins

I woke up alone in my bed telling myself that something was wrong, was it all a dream ? but her smell was still on the pillow and few long blond curly hair. I could easily imagine her shoulder covered with stars, it was not a dream. she is just gone for several days.
a new chapter of my life starts over. I don't remember myself being that happy in a very long time.
I always wanted to have a twin sister, and from the day we've met I thought it was her ! we are reunited now. I know it's not going to be always easy, but we'll do our best.
from now on we are going to be each other's home and we both needed it so much !

Nonna

As I was coming back to Paris from Russia crying int the rain : sad, nostalgic, lost and so lonely ; I realized that for so many years SHE was my home. I was always coming back in France knowing that  she was waiting for me. she did so much for me, and I think I am what I am now thanks to her, without her my life wouldn't be the same. and now we don't leave together anymore and she is gone in another country. I lost my home in someway. but deep inside I know that we will be here for one another forever !
this girl means world to me. she is my chosen family.

Greece : in front of the camera, part II

feeling sick and tired and completely uninspired... wanna be at my parents' place so they would make a chicken soup and take good care of me and chase my downcast mood.
we don't really realize how lucky we are when we live with our relatives, life seems simple and easy, without problems and the big plus there is always a hot dinner on the table and you never eat alone !
I'm not a very expressive person but I miss all my quirky family members and even if I'm not saying it enough I love them.
so in order to make me feel better and because I promised them, here another shooting of me from last summer in Greece.

photographer : Nicolas Russon

photoshop : me

my little brother

kids are growing up so fast it's incredible ! he already has a best friend...