mom

can you love when you have never been loved ? can you take care of someone when noone took care of you ?

our relationship was meant to be doomed in so many ways, we spend many years fighting, then it's been two years of cold war we weren't talking or seeing each other at all. we just couldn't manage to understand one another but it is only because we are pretty much the same, sometimes desperately the same. I wanted things from her she couldn't give me and she wanted me to be someone else. we weren't mother and daughter but friends, which all my friends found so cool but for us it was toxic. 

I don't know how but we managed to find a way to reverse this weird tendency of bad relationships we had in our dysfunctional families and it's been few years of "I am a family person now", where everybody is at their places. my mom is my mom now and I am her lost little girl who always needs an advice and an encouragement, she is always here for me, and I feel the ties I couldn't feel for so many years. the only thing that makes me sad it's all those years we have lost having bad feelings, but hey I guess we needed these to figure things out. 

of course sometimes she still pisses me off and I know I drive her crazy by doing the same mistakes over and over again and then complaining for hours on the phone, "I told you so" and "what is wrong with me" are repeated constantly, but it's kind of romantic and it feels right. mostly we are apart from each other and we spent only few days per year together and sometimes I feel so lonely and desperate, but I know she is here, I just have to press "call mom" and pour my heart out.

we are not our parents and our parents are not us, if you haven't had a perfect childhood it does't mean you can't be a good person and parent. yes we drag the old phantoms of our relatives and then we are transmitting them to our offsprings but we are not cursed, we can change things. it doesn't have to be complicated, it's our choice. I also believe that sometimes we are stronger and wiser than our parents and if we change and evolve they feel it and as by magic they adjust themselves at your level. and having a strong family bond is a gift not everybody can have, because once they are gone there is nothing you can do, it's all over, you can only regretting them.

I love you mom, thank you for everything you are, happy birthday !