I was born as unique child and I've always felt the emptiness as if someone had to be there but never was...
When I was a teenager I had my first sister and few years later another one. I won't lie, I felt weird about these new family members, they were as much aliens to me as me to them. I came visited my father and always ignored my sisters because I had no idea what I could do with them. The only thing that helped me to communicate with was photography. Otherwise I was just looking on them furtively, seeing their tender relationship towards each other and being jalouse of it.
How many times I went in their house with the only envy to take them into my arms and kiss them. I never could. I cried every time in the train leaving, when it was too late to hug them. I just couldn't and I still don't know why. In general I'm not very tactile person (only few exceptions) it's not by choice because I'm very sensitive so I need the human connection, but by the stupidest habit in order to protect myself so I won't get hurt.
And then, few years ago, a weird thing happened, my sisters slowly started to invade my personal space, but very smartly, step by step, calling me to swim together in the pool, chilling with me in the hammock, then touching my arms (the secret zone) and lying with me in front of the TV, etc etc. It was weird at first and then I felt the emotions I never felt before. The next step was comforting me in original ways, because they felt that saying normal compliments won't work, so they found amazingly strange and interesting ways to communicate their feelings to me. For exemple my smallest sister calls me every morning to wake me up because she knows how hard it is for me to open my eyes and confront another day. The other one is ready to do anything for my pictures, I mean for real, she bled and freezed for the shootings ! And already woke up in 6 in the morning for the jogging with me.
And I have to say that my confidence in myself grew up thanks to them ! Even if when I'm with them I never wear the makeup and I look like a hobo they still think I'm beautiful (and it's not out of pity, I promise). These two small girls teach me so much. Now I feel like they are closer to me then anyone has ever been. Last time I spend the holidays with them I felt a bit down because of a heart situation and instead of staying depressed by myself (what I used to always do) I asked them to take a walk with me before bed, and they made me laugh so much the three of us were in physical pain. And they didn't said something basic like "don't worry you are cool and pretty" they told me "you are the unique, original, talented and fresh and you are not just a pear or apple, you are a demon fruit" (pretty sure she ment dragon fruit but this way it's even funnier and it became our private joke).
Our parents have no idea how crazy, insane, silly and happy we are when we are together just the three of us...
The distance between us hurts me sometimes but more over all I know they are here, always, and that we have so many things we will share in the future. All the love they give me (I repeat not me to them but they to me) makes me feel stronger and it's growing up every day. Sometimes I still feel like I want to screw everything up but I also feel that I can't do this to them, which is the best thing that ever happened to me, to feel loved so much that I won't be able to hurt myself.
When I was a teenager I had my first sister and few years later another one. I won't lie, I felt weird about these new family members, they were as much aliens to me as me to them. I came visited my father and always ignored my sisters because I had no idea what I could do with them. The only thing that helped me to communicate with was photography. Otherwise I was just looking on them furtively, seeing their tender relationship towards each other and being jalouse of it.
How many times I went in their house with the only envy to take them into my arms and kiss them. I never could. I cried every time in the train leaving, when it was too late to hug them. I just couldn't and I still don't know why. In general I'm not very tactile person (only few exceptions) it's not by choice because I'm very sensitive so I need the human connection, but by the stupidest habit in order to protect myself so I won't get hurt.
And then, few years ago, a weird thing happened, my sisters slowly started to invade my personal space, but very smartly, step by step, calling me to swim together in the pool, chilling with me in the hammock, then touching my arms (the secret zone) and lying with me in front of the TV, etc etc. It was weird at first and then I felt the emotions I never felt before. The next step was comforting me in original ways, because they felt that saying normal compliments won't work, so they found amazingly strange and interesting ways to communicate their feelings to me. For exemple my smallest sister calls me every morning to wake me up because she knows how hard it is for me to open my eyes and confront another day. The other one is ready to do anything for my pictures, I mean for real, she bled and freezed for the shootings ! And already woke up in 6 in the morning for the jogging with me.
And I have to say that my confidence in myself grew up thanks to them ! Even if when I'm with them I never wear the makeup and I look like a hobo they still think I'm beautiful (and it's not out of pity, I promise). These two small girls teach me so much. Now I feel like they are closer to me then anyone has ever been. Last time I spend the holidays with them I felt a bit down because of a heart situation and instead of staying depressed by myself (what I used to always do) I asked them to take a walk with me before bed, and they made me laugh so much the three of us were in physical pain. And they didn't said something basic like "don't worry you are cool and pretty" they told me "you are the unique, original, talented and fresh and you are not just a pear or apple, you are a demon fruit" (pretty sure she ment dragon fruit but this way it's even funnier and it became our private joke).
Our parents have no idea how crazy, insane, silly and happy we are when we are together just the three of us...
The distance between us hurts me sometimes but more over all I know they are here, always, and that we have so many things we will share in the future. All the love they give me (I repeat not me to them but they to me) makes me feel stronger and it's growing up every day. Sometimes I still feel like I want to screw everything up but I also feel that I can't do this to them, which is the best thing that ever happened to me, to feel loved so much that I won't be able to hurt myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment